True Strength

Happy Sunday my friends! I have been exceptionally tired, I normally get at least one nap in on Saturday or Sunday over the weekend, but this weekend, I had an hour and a half nap both days. Both days, it was hard to get myself out of bed from said naps. I don't totally know what that is about, in part probably because it is a certain time of the month (if you know, you know), and in part I think maybe slight depression setting in. Either way, my body needed the sleep so I honored that, and am grateful to have been able to do so.

I don't struggle with depression consistently and it's actually been quite awhile since I've really struggled. But had one off day a few weeks ago and an off day earlier this week. My depression has always been related to my circumstances, I haven't completely identified the root of recent depressed feelings, but I think it is largely if not fully, related to feeling alone and longing for a family of my own. As I write, I realize that in the evenings during the week and on the weekends life can feel purposeless because I am single. I know deep in my soul that I am wired and made to be a homemaker and there is a grief that comes with not being there and not knowing if I'll ever be there (and quite honestly, losing hope that I will be), especially as I get older. Perhaps the lonely nights are starting to catch up to me and manifesting in the way of depression.

To be clear, yes, I know God has purpose in my life right now. I know His purposes go far beyond earthly things. I can see how He has blessed me, I love my job, I love my coworkers and friends, my church community, my gym community, etc. He has given me so many wonderful gifts, that I am beyond grateful for, and yet the ache remains. There is a fine line between my writing becoming a pity party and being honest with where I'm at. I'm hoping it reads as being honest with where I'm at. To you fixers out there, I'm not asking you to fix it or offer a solution. Trust me, I've tried to "fix it" myself and at the end of the day it's defeating and exhausting. Nothing you can suggest is anything I haven't thought of. I have no other option than to trust that God will bring someone into my life and I am holding to that because a) every person that is actively in my life right now, God has brought into my life, I didn't have to search for them b) I know and have seen how He answers prayer.

Well, that's not what I intended to share this week, but I do think it is an honest picture of the reality that I am not as strong as I think I am. Our culture values strength. Physical strength, emotional strength, mental strength, spiritual strength. The reality is no matter how "strong" we can get, our strength is actually quite feeble. We always end up running into our weakness in some way or another. I have found recently, I've been trying to rely on my own strength in a number of areas, but especially singleness.

The church girl inside is tempted to shame myself for "not trusting God enough"; "not reading my Bible and praying enough"; "not being content enough," etc. -- I feel like I've touched this topic a bit in other posts, but still feel like I have to put this disclaimer, reading my Bible and praying is important, I'm not negating or minimizing that. What I am saying, is that God isn't sitting up in heaven counting the times I read my Bible or pray. He isn't condemning me for not doing any in depth studies of the Bible in this season. He's not upset that Psalms and familiar passages are all I can muster to read right now. He's not frustrated that I pray the same prayers over and over. He isn't asking me to pull up my boot straps and be okay or muster up the strength and discipline to be a "better" Christian. He simply asks me to come to Him wherever I am.

I always cringe when I hear people say "God won't give you more than you can handle," because that's just not true. Life comes with many things we cannot handle on our own. I couldn't handle being my mom's caregiver. I couldn't handle watching her slowly die and take her last breath. I couldn't handle the rejection from peers. I couldn't handle the constant focus on my body and how big it was, and how I shouldn't eat that or I ate too fast. I can't handle the challenges of singleness on my own, any more than I will be able to handle the challenges of being married on my own. If that were the case, I wouldn't need God at all. We were created to depend on Him. It is our foolishness that convinces us we are able to handle life on our own.

I don't have reasons for all that I've walked or will walk through, but I know that God has been faithful to walk with me in each circumstance and He will continue to be faithful, even when I don't always see it. What I do know is that the sufferings in this world are complex and result of a broken world. Jesus is the only thing worth holding to, He is the restoration, the redemption we need. My faith and hope in Him is the one thing that cannot be taken from me. In my heart of hearts, I know that there will be a better day, a day where the deep ache is completely fulfilled in Jesus, when I see Him face to face. Living in the now and not yet, is wild.

Let Psalm 33 be my prayer this week (would you pray with me, friends?):

Sing joyfully to the Lord, you righteous;

it is fitting for the upright to praise him.

Praise the Lord with the harp;

make music to him on the ten-stringed lyre.

Sing to him a new song;

play skillfully, and shout for joy.

For the word of the Lord is right and true;

he is faithful in all he does.

The Lord loves righteousness and justice;

the earth is full of his unfailing love.

By the word of the Lord the heavens were made,

their starry host by the breath of his mouth.

He gathers the waters of the sea into jars;

he puts the deep into storehouses.

Let all the earth fear the Lord;

let all the people of the world revere him.

For he spoke, and it came to be;

he commanded, and it stood firm.

The Lord foils the plans of the nations;

he thwarts the purposes of the peoples.

But the plans of the Lord stand firm forever,

the purposes of his heart through all generations.

Blessed is the nation whose God is the Lord,

the people he chose for his inheritance.

From heaven the Lord looks down

and sees all mankind;

from his dwelling place he watches

all who live on earth—

he who forms the hearts of all,

who considers everything they do.

No king is saved by the size of his army;

no warrior escapes by his great strength.

A horse is a vain hope for deliverance;

despite all its great strength it cannot save.

But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear him,

on those whose hope is in his unfailing love,

to deliver them from death

and keep them alive in famine.

We wait in hope for the Lord;

he is our help and our shield.

In him our hearts rejoice,

for we trust in his holy name.

May your unfailing love be with us, Lord,

even as we put our hope in you.

Have a blessed week <3

Melissa