More Than A Body

A few weeks ago, I sat in my therapist's office at the end of our session and she left me with an assignment for the next time she would see me. She said "I want you to write down times you felt like you could be yourself, and you forgot about your weight, times where you didn't worry about what you looked like etc." I looked at her and said "that's going to be a difficult assignment." She met my eyes with compassion and nodded, "it will be hard at first, but all we need is a spark so we can fan the flame and find her again."

After some thought, I came to the conclusion that I don't really know who I am looking for. Finding a spark feels impossible. Every memory I have is covered by a dark cloud. I remember loving hula-hooping and feeling proud I could do it because I was fat. I had a competition with a little girl much smaller than me at the age six or seven to see how long we could keep it going. Twenty minutes went by and she gave up. I kept going, and I was so proud because why? Because I outlasted someone who was "skinnier" therefore more "fit" than me. At six or seven years old. There is something wrong with that picture.

Every time I went on a walk, rode my bike, jump roped or hula hooped, shot basketball hoops with my brother the thoughts lingered back in my mind "I'm being active, maybe this will help me lose weight." I loved being on the dance team, but every practice it lingered in the back of my mind "this is hard because I'm fat, I have to work harder than the other girls, I don't like how I look in my uniform, my stomach is so fat." In third, fourth, fifth grade. These are the thoughts that plagued me, and unfortunately just the tip of the iceberg. Gym class gave me anxiety. I couldn't eat without thinking about how it might impact my body. I sat in front of my mirror pinching my stomach fat and doing as many sit ups as I could, tears rolling down my cheeks praying, asking God why He made me fat. Somewhere along the way losing weight became the solution to all of my heartache. Where did this thought process come from, where did it all start? To answer that is too tender, being processed in my own heart and not appropriate to share here.

No one warned me about this stage of grief. I suppose maybe you just don't know until you know and grief isn't a linear process, nor is it the same for everyone. But here we are at thirty years old, struggling hard with the same thoughts about my body and feeling so stuck. I'm frozen in a place, I can't walk over the pain, I can't duck under it and I can't walk around it, in order to be unfrozen and to heal, I have to walk through the pain, in a safe place, with safe relationships (thank you Jesus for a lovely therapist and good friendships). I've been crying out to the Lord for redemption and it's felt like He hasn't heard me. But today, I know He's heard me. Today, as I let out body shaking sobs on my therapists couch the Lord gave clarity and gave words to feelings I have never articulated before. As I journaled about my session later, bringing all of it to Jesus in prayer, I was reminded that He is with me in this process.

In one hand I hold the tangled mess of lies, wounds that I know so well; in the other I hold truth of who God made me to be, my voice, education about the body and how to care for it in a more wholistic way and the personal growth He has given me the grace to experience. Slowly but surely, redemption is coming. For now...these are the things I would tell the girl in the picture (after giving her a big hug):

1. You are more than a body. You live in a body and taking care of it is important, but no matter it's size or shape, it is not your identity. Fat is not your identity. It's not who you are.

2. Taking care of your body means honoring your hunger and consistently giving it a variety of foods and drinking water. You don't have to stress about calories and restricting certain foods.

3. You are allowed to have snacks and you are free to enjoy a treat without guilt. It does not determine whether you are "good" or "bad"

4. You are free to enjoy activities simply because God gave you a body to experience life in. Dance to your hearts content and don't be afraid to try new things. As the adult version of you speaking here, I can say you will love hiking, kayaking and lifting weights eventually (can you believe it?)

5. Clothes are made to fit you, you aren't made to fit clothes.

6. Your body will change with different seasons of life, for different reasons and that's okay. You weren't created to starve and punish your body into submission to meet any kind of standard. You were created to live life.

7. You are loved and will be loved despite the changes it goes through. Genuine people that God puts in your life will be evidence of that and help you believe it's true.

8. Life is a journey, but you will be okay <3 You have purpose and God will continue to show you that as you seek healing in Him.

"For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of God’s glory displayed in the face of Christ.

But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.

It is written: “I believed; therefore I have spoken.” Since we have that same spirit of faith, we also believe and therefore speak, because we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you to himself. All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God.

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:6-18